Broken [Solo, Closed]

[Libelle "Onyx" Ryoko - Council]

Do you know what its like? To create something? To have to leave that thing you created. Only to watch with a bitter glance to know that you where never meant to return? Have you ever watched the person you love, love another? Knowing that you will never get the chance to love them. Because you are not the damsel in distress anymore? Sure you are still vastly broken to your core but you are learning to work with it. Sometimes no matter how much we wish for something, it doesn't mean we get it? If life was fair everyone would be with the person they love. Hell that person they love would love them in return. 

Life isn't fair this way though. Life is the poison we breath out, it turns back and attacks us. We can try to say it doesn't affect us, this little off handed comments that are not directed towards you. Yet you know that its someones way of rubbing your nose into the fact that they have what you want, what you have ruined and they a proud of themselves for taking it from you. Granted you really did this all to yourself didn't you? You ran away because things go too tough. You burned your bridges and expect anyone after that to love you?

You are the embodiment of self destruction. You leak poison, suck the life out of everything you touch, your aura is as deadly as the gas you breath and you broke the ground under your feet.  Yet you think anyone? Anything would want to love such a hideous creature as yourself. You may have that pretty face for now? But the walls you put up are uglier then a sea goat. That silver tongue you use to down iron and gems is just as bitter when you talk to others. What is wrong with you? 

I

don't

Know.

I often dream of a place where everything I want is there, but then the crash of reality seeps in. I am face with the true horrors of the things I have done. The people I have pushed away. The ones I long for but will never long for me. I was foolish to think I was different. Yes I may be physically different but in reality I wear a mask. I fake it in a sense. I pretend to be nice. Pretend in hopes someone will like me and not turn the other way when I am near. But that mask doesn't work anymore. 

So I took to vices to sooth my aching chest,  If no one could love me for me. Then maybe someone anyone could love my body even if its just for a passing moment. I need to feel something other then this hollow ache that screams constantly at me. I ached for a touch so much so I made a businesses out of it. Though at some point my body became numb to that as well. As the touches and other bodies in my bed just made my existence  hollower. No one would ever love my body. This was just a way to satisfy a hunger for a moment when it needed to be satisfied for a life time.

Why can't I just be happy any one looks my way? Why do I long for more? Why do I wish someone would break me out of my aching? No one dares get close to me unless they pay the coin. No one looks at me with value. Had I given up the only part of me anyone could love? Love... the word sounds so hollow now. I thought I had it once but he turned on me. Was it his actions that made it even hard to breath? was it because I was so hopelessly to the depths of my core in love with that  no one could fill the void any more? What is wrong with me?

I

don't

Know.